Wonder how kerry feels about her nephew putting her pants in the bin.

The boys saying how much they love Grandma & Grandad - one of few things to bring a tear to my eye.

This week's music

So here are my Last.fm stats for this week (and as it's the end of a month, here are the top tracks too).

Artists

1. The Beatles
2. R.E.M.
3. Helmet
4. The Strokes
4. The Smashing Pumpkins
6. Snow Patrol
6. Scissor Sisters
8. At the Drive-In
8. Jeff Buckley
10. Foo Fighters

Top Tracks

1. Snow Patrol - Open Your Eyes
1. The Beatles - Tell Me What You See
1. The Smashing Pumpkins - The Beginning Is the End Is the
4. Tool - Third Eye
4. The Strokes - Reptilia
4. Red Hot Chilli Peppers - On Mercury
4. Pearl Jam - Go
4. Helmet - Beautiful Love
4. R.E.M. - Sitting Still
4. R.E.M. - Talk About the Passion

Fix You (Live) on LeftRightLeftRightLeft. Wow!

Congratulations Mark. You're not gonna know what hit you.

I'm in love with my new iGrado headphones. Especially cos they're free.

RT @daxboy: If you get an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of #swineflu, please ignore it. It's just Spam.

Despite my better judgement, I'm really starting to like DragonForce.

Feeling satisfied. Good day with the boys followed by a nice pot roast. Mmm

Tough year to support both Hull and Boro.

This week's music

So here are my Last.fm stats for this week

Artists

1. The Beatles
2. R.E.M.
3. Soundgarden
4. Pearl Jam
5. Queens of the Stone Age
5. Scissor Sisters
7. Smashing Pumpkins
8. Helmet
9. Nirvana
9. BBC Radio 4

Tired and my meeting hasn't even started yet. Thanks for the 4am wake up call ;)

Reach for the Sky MoFo

So after having an HD-Ready TV for three years and after resisting the temptation for all that time, we finally got Sky HD installed yesterday. There was a huge delay in getting it installed, apparently due to high demand.

So far, I'm very impressed - particularly with Channel 4's output. But I do have a couple of gripes:

1. Audio setup is a bit of a pain when transmitting video to the TV through HDMI and audio to the A/V Amp through the optical output. It's not that it's complicated, just that the difference in the amount of time the two take to decode their signals mean that you have to fiddle to get it synced properly. And anyone who's ever looked too closely at syncing on tv will know that no matter how hard you try, it never seems quite right after you've looked at it too much.
2. Sky doesn't seem keen to transmit aspect ratio info via HDMI. I'm not someone who likes to stretch what I'm watching to 16:9 but rather I like to watch TV in it's native format. Unfortunately, if you decide to set the box to send it's picture as 1080i (the highest my tv can support - it's three years old remember) and therefore upscale normal tv everything is fixed at 1080i - and therefore stretched if it was 4:3 or letterbox. If you set it to auto-detect, then SD broadcasts look really nasty when shown alongside HD. Some channels overcome this nicely (Sci-Fi HD, FX HD, even Sky 1 and Channel 4 HD) by putting their own side-bars down each side but the less technically oriented (or maybe savvy) channels just transmit as is and let the box deal with it. Which is crap, frankly and means you're caught between two compromises. I've stuck with upscaling everything to 1080i and living with a few peoples' heads looking a bit fat.
3. The BBC seems to be uncharacteristically reluctant to embrace HD. This is really odd as they're a technology friendly company. Just look at their websites, their kids on-line games, the interactive tv facilities and the iPlayer. So why have they only got one HD channel? They're really missing a trick as they have done some lovely HD shows in the past. But scouring the BBC HD for HD versions of their SD output is a ball-ache. Maybe they're just waiting for FreeSat HD to take off.

I'm sure some of these niggles are just teething troubles. Some of it will just take some getting used to. Some might get sorted out with new firmware. Some of it could just be a question of waiting for the other broadcasters to fall into line.

None of it detracts from the fact that HD is really what your telly was meant to do. For a TV geek like me it's just what I've been waiting for.

So in sky world, between three and five means quarter past five. I get it now.

Grrrr Sky installer. I'm guessing "between 3 and 5" means "5".

Is still feeling ever so not well. Last time my throat felt like this i still smoked.

Returned from Goole feeling like a zombie. Maybe they spelled it incorrectly.

This Week's Music

So here are my Last.fm stats for this week

Artists

1. The Beatles
2. R.E.M.
3. Pixies
4. The Smashing Pumpkins
5. The The
6. Foo Fighters
7. Scissor Sisters
8. Soundgarden
9. Pearl Jam
10. Goldfrapp

Ok, think i've got the beating of this swine flu now... Ok, cold then.

About to start a presentation on qa. I pity my audience.

Have just experienced the future - a dyson airblade. Wow!

Proud owner of a folding camper. Very chuffed.

This week's music

So here are my Last.fm stats for this week

Artists

1. The Beatles
2. R.E.M.
3. Pixies
4. Pearl Jam
5. The Smashing Pumpkins
6. Soundgarden
7. Queens of the Stone Age
8. Foo Fighters
9. Helmet
10. The The

Just won a pair of iGrado headphones. Lucky, lucky me!

Pondering the future...

Frackin apprentice idiots.

Altogether now

DSCF4157
Originally uploaded by nato060606

Who says that twins are attuned to one another. We were expecting a perfect, unified performance.

And from Nate

DSCF4155
Originally uploaded by nato060606

Anything Tommy can do...

More Rhyme Time from Tommy

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Originally uploaded by nato060606

It doesn't just stop at Incy Wincy Spider....

Nathan does Incy Wincy Spider

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Originally uploaded by nato060606

After Tommy it was Nathan's turn. Nathan has the enthusiasm, while Tommy seems to understand the meaning.

Tommy does Incy Wincy Spider

DSCF4152
Originally uploaded by nato060606

The boys mentioned to us during dinner that they'd learned rhymes at "Rhyme Time" while they were at Playschool. Here's Tommy giving his rendition of Incy Wincy spider.

In praise of HDMI

So the XBox HDMI cable that I was bitching about arrived on Monday (praise has to go to Amazon third-party trader "Gadgetsville" for fantastic service) and to be honest I wasn't expecting much. As an A/V fan, I've got a fair bit of history of messing about with different cables and different output formats. Mostly, the differences are fairly subtle - certainly back in the standard definition world. So, while I thought that outputting from the XBox via HDMI might have some benefits for video playback and for upscaling standard DVDs in particular, I honestly didn't expect to notice much difference when gaming.

I tried out Fallout 3 and WOW! The game looks great through component output, but plug in an HDMI cable and the difference is veeeeery impressive. The amount of contrast is instantly noticeable. It seems to increase the range of brights and darks substantially. This increases the depth and three dimensional effect massively.

Have yet to watch a DVD through the new cable. First off, I'm hoping it sends aspect ratio info through to the tv as having to manually adjust when we watch The Wire is a bit of a pain. But I'll be interested to see the difference it makes to standard definition tv. Also makes me look forward to having Sky HD installed a whole lot more (come on Sky, hurry up!).

Has meant that I've added yet another thing to my list of necessary buys. Not only do I need a VGA switch for the office, but I now need an HDMI switch for the main tv.

OK, so how should one react to a pay freeze...?

The intro to "Biscuits for Smut" is still one of the best ever.

At the dentist.

Music, Mobbler and Me

I got introduced to Last.fm a while back and instantly fell in love. I liked it so much that when at work, rather than listen to music directly from my phone I'd put the SD card in my laptop and listen from there. That way I could scrobble what I was listening to. I really liked the idea that not only would I be tracking my listening habits but also building up an on-line library of my music habits.

When my phone was replaced (long story, involving many phone calls back and forth with O2 due to malfunctioning N82 and terrible customer service) with an N95 8Gb I found that I couldn't do this due to lack of removable memory.

So enter Mobbler. This is a fantastic piece of free software that I just can't praise highly enough. It's free and obviously prepared with love. The latest version is so good that I'd rather have that open in my phone than the standard Music Player. It even shows cover art automatically. So on with the scrobbling.

My scrobbling is going so well, I've even started using it to guide my music choices for the week. I trim out what Last.fm says I've listened to the most and then add stuff that I haven't listened to in a while.

So in the first of an irregular series, here's what I've been listening to the most in the last week:

Artists

1 The Beatles
2 R.E.M.
3 The Smashing Pumpkins
4 Foo Fighters
5 Pixies
6 Queens of the Stone Age
6 Pearl Jam
6 Jeff Buckley
9 Tool
10 Helmet

Albums

1 Nirvana - Incesticide
1 The Smashing Pumpkins - Pisces Iscariot
1 The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
4 Scissor Sisters - Ta-Dah [Bonus Track]
4 R.E.M. - Murmur

Tracks

1 The The - I've Been Waitin' For Tomorrow (All of My Life)
1 The Smashing Pumpkins - Whir [#][Outtake]
1 The Beatles - I'll Be Back
1 [unknown] - ...
5 The Beatles - Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds

...and in the last three months

Artists

1 The Beatles
2 R.E.M.
3 Fugazi
4 The Smashing Pumpkins
5 Foo Fighters
6 Pixies
7 Jeff Buckley
8 BBC Radio 4
9 Sebadoh
10 Radiohead

Albums

1 R.E.M. - Murmur
2 Guided By Voices - Under the Bushes Under the Stars
3 Fugazi - Steady Diet of Nothing
3 R.E.M. - Monster
5 The Beatles - Revolver [UK]

Tracks

1 The Beatles - Tomorrow Never Knows
1 The Beatles - I'll Be Back
3 The Beatles - Dear Prudence
3 R.E.M. - Man on the Moon
3 Jeff Buckley - Lover, You Should Have Come Over

Grrrr Microsoft

Back on the 15th of April, I posted about my adventures in extending our network.

I'll quote from there now:

"The priority then was:

1. Get network access in the spare room in order to turn it into an office.
2. Get MP101 working in play room.
3. Turn any wired access points into wireless ones where necessary.
4. Get second XBox ;)

"

Well, I haven't exactly kept to that order of priorities. The option came up with a colleague at work to get a nearly new XBox 360 for a bargain price (actually, a straight swap with our Wii that had been gathering dust for a while). So I jumped at it and am now the slightly embarrassed owner of two XBoxes.

So this left me requiring an answer to the question that I posted back then:

"Is there any reliable way to share my DLC between two XBoxes, especially considering that I'll be using the same profile on each?"

The answer to this is quite convoluted. I've been through the steps outlined in the article on XBox.com, but it hasn't been without a bit of a struggle. Which brings me to the real topic of this post...

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some frenzied Microsoft hater. I work with Windows tools and my livelihood therefore depends to a certain extent on Microsoft. I find most dealings with their products to be fairly painless, they are no worse in mind to any of the other big tech companies (Apple, Sony, Google, etc) and I've been a fan of the XBox 360 and it's predecessor for quite a while. But there are a couple of things that remind you every now and then of how they became quite so... well... rich. Here are the issues I've found so far:

1. Sharing content is not easy and even now, I'm not sure I'm gonna get the level of access I'd like. I've transferred the licenses from my old XBox to my new one. I'm in the process of downloading all the content to the new console. I should be able to use my DLC on my old console as long as I'm signed in to XBox live, with my original profile but this functionality is so buried away in the smallprint that I'm not entirely convinced. In addition, what about any new content I buy - is there any way to get that onto my old console too? I can't help feeling that I'm being pushed into buying everything twice.
   
2. HDMI + digital audio relies on a product only available from Microsoft. The new console has an HDMI output. I connect the video output of my console to my tv and the audio output to my A/V Amp. HDMI contains both audio and video information. The HDMI output is too close to the other A/V slot on the console to allow a normal HDMI cable and the standard A/V connection to be plugged in at the same time. So rather than buying a standard HDMI cable, I have to buy Microsoft's one.
3. The 360 has USB slots, but you can only read data from them, not write through them. So if I want to transfer my games from one console to another I can't just use a Memory Stick (retailing at around £1 a Gig) and have to use a special Memory unit (£13.99 for 64Mb or £29.99 for 512Mb).

And don't get me started on Microsoft Points. Or the fact that they've changed the power supply connections both on the power block and on the "kettle" lead too.

So it's not been as plain sailing as I'd hoped. But hopefully, after the wife has gone to bed I might get a chance to actually use my new console to *gasp* play something.

Amazed at how The Beatles can still blow you away with their awesomeness. Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds is just immense.

Radio 4 trailer: I had no idea Eddie Mair looked like that. Shock!

The apprentice just got really surreal. Dance in your pants is gonna be an internet hit.

Vote my sa friends, i urge you. Even if you think it's hopeless.

You know I said that the John Barrowman thing was camp? I hadn't seen Gok going through Alan Carr's wardrobe.

I'm coding. Like riding a bike, eh? Feel like Scotty in Star Trek IV. Computer, computer?

Finding the latest louis theroux tough work, but fascinating.

Another good and exhausting day. Wildlife in the morning. Friend's Christening in the afternoon. Lots of sun. No naps. Very few tantrums.

Wow. This john barrowman thing is the campest thing i've ever seen. It could turn vin diesel gay.

Wouldn't MVC make more sense as MCV? It's the right order and isn't an out of business CD/DVD shop.

Getting angry with MVC now - database relationships just aren't working.

First proper post in a while

Writing a proper post after all this time is a bit of a toughy. It's like when you don't buy a lot of music and then decide that you want to buy a CD (some people still buy those, right?). My advice to people in that situation has always been to just buy something completely arbitrary and then it'll make the next purchase so much easier. So, for no other reason than it's a bit of a home project I've been working on here's a post on home networking.

Anyone who has followed this blog from a while back will know that we live in a bit of a weird house. It's old and it's kind of a bit of a weird shape. It's kind of long and stepped and has interior walls that used to be exterior walls. From the top/front end we've got spare room, dining room, living room, kitchen and then play/informal dining room.

Now, for those of you who don't know; I'm a geek. An obsessive, tinkering, gaming geek. This means that we need to have connectivity in order to live.

Networking this place has been a nightmare.

Firstly, we live out in the sticks. The fastest broadband connection we can get is 2-Meg. So it's kind of hard to justify going with a premium ISP. So we plumped for Sky's basic package. This is capped, has a 2-Meg maximum speed and has a proprietry (and therefore a bit locked-down) router. But it's free, so you get what you pay for.

Secondly, the house isn't designed for wireless. The broadband runs into our lounge, which is where we spend a lot of our time (it's where I'm writing this from, for example). From this point, the range of the wireless router is roughly 3ft into the dining room (those damned interior walls that used to be exterior ones) and not much further than the kitchen (I put this down to having to broadcast through tins, built-in cupboards and kitchen appliances).

Which is a bit limiting.

What I wanted to do was have the spare room as an office (and, to be honest a bit of a retreat where I could go and play XBox some time in the future), our music broadcast to the play room (especially now that we've got the decking done, so we've got a nice entertaining area on that end) and wireless access wherever we need it (we surf a lot, especially as we now both have phones with wi-fi).

The priority then was:

1. Get network access in the spare room in order to turn it into an office.
2. Get MP101 working in play room.
3. Turn any wired access points into wireless ones where necessary.
4. Get second XBox ;)

First thing I tried was a wireless range extender. While this worked in principle, it wasn't much use and didn't overcome the broadcasting-though-big-sandstone-walls issue. It allowed the range of the wireless network to extend to the whole of the dining room, but no further.

So I decided to take a punt on Powerline netorking. This was a bit of a dream to be honest. Literally, plug it into the wall and the router and then plug the other one into the office and a cheap wired router (did I mention that this all had to be done on the cheap?). Had a bit of a problem with the software CD that came with them (didn't run) and another problem with DNS failures (had to resort to static DNS settings and therefore static IP addresses). Otherwise, all good.

With the network working in the spare room, the work could start on turning it into an office. That's worked out well and has meant that working from home is now a dream, rather than the uncomfortable, warm-crotched experience it had been in the past. It's also meant that I could plug our old beast of a desktop in as a media server to stream music, etc to the XBox.

So this left me with a spare Wireless Extender, which I have now set up in the play room and which is giving us wireless access at that end of the house and (I have to imagine as it hasn't stopped raining since) on the decking.

So this leaves:

1. Setting MP101 up (with my old amp and speakers).
2. Replacing cheap wired router with cheap wireless router to give wireless access in the office.
3. Saving up for second XBox 360 (and convincing wife that it's essential).

Lessons learned in this exercise:

1. How to write a batch file that allows me to easily switch between my static IP settings at home and my static IP settings at work.
2. Not to bother trying to set a PC up as a wireless access point (by bridging a connection to a wireless card) - too much of a PITA to be worth it.
3. Phones don't like wireless extenders.
4. www.skyuser.co.uk is a great resource for hacking into your Sky router.
5. Apart from the dodgy CD, cheap powerline network adaptors seem to work just as well as expensive ones.
   

Questions that I could do with answering:

1. Can I get my Netgear MP101 to work with WPA encryption? I'd prefer not to have to change the settings on the router as it means changing the settings on all my wireless devices.
2. Is there any reliable way to share my DLC between two XBoxes, especially considering that I'll be using the same profile on each?
3. Is my network secure without having run any configuration on my powerline network adaptors? The CD didn't work, so the two adaptors are just plugged in.
4. Can I get generic powerline network configuration software anywhere that will allow me to lock it down a bit?

Thanks for your time,

Chris

Tiiiiired. Not used to the fresh air. Think I may have even got a bit of a tan. Gradually turning from blue to white.

Diddle-iddle-iddle, point, turn.

First braai of the year. Charred animal rules.

boro ftw

Setting off for hull for a second time. Not been a great week for f*ck ups. Thanks to the wife for her understanding.

Money saving fail. Saving of £15 a month leads to loss of £425 grrr.

Nathan's mysterious disappearing ear infection has left Daddy a very tired old man.

Love it when unexpected tracks turn up on random play. Today's stand out was northern star by hole.

Working from home while the guys do the decking. Could get used to working like this.

Have just realised that i've had replies on twitter that i've completely ignored. Apologies folks. Must do better. Slap.

Howzit China. Impressed with Leo's accent in blood diamond. Good film too.

A day in the garden followed by dinner from the chippy. Thats called contentment.

I got a nedache. This had better not be the wife's lurgy.

OK. Been in the job two years now and I finally feel like I know what I'm doing. Does this mean it's time for a change?

I'm wondering what is hurting Amy more... the swollen glands or the idiots on The Apprentice.

Wondering if we maybe shouldn't have bothered with going to the Easter parade. Might been fun if the kids hadn't cried so much.

Not enjoying British Summer Time. Dark mornings and over-excited kids are not fun.

Brilliant gp. Perfect result. Could be an interesting season.

aaah formula one on bbc. It's just so... right.

Playing fable and amazed that some people didn't know i was no longer a vege. I meant meat ball before btw.

Making meat call stew. Hearty stuff for me and the boys.

Having a day with the boys. Think it's finger painting later.

fairy-tale stuff in the gp. Looking like it's gonna be a good season.

liking The Mentalist. Derren Brown does csi. Great stuff.

loving fable 2. Especially searching for tips on having sex with my wife. In the game that is...

Watching Alan Sugar. Dunno who write's his scripts, but I reckon he should be fired first.

so let's see how ping.fm goes...

Diversion

Due to extreme laziness (and little things like parenthood), the wife and I have relocated to a combined blog.

It's piccy time

So we had our latest visit to the hospital. Everything is progressing as intended. Babies are developing well. One is a couple of days behind the other, but there's always been one smaller than the other and proportionally they're developing at the same rate.

You'll have to excuse the blurriness of the images. The camera wasn't really cut out for this kind of thing.

I think the one on the left is T2. So far that's the best name we've come up with for the little lad. Although we are moving towards "Owen" for this one. That may firm up, depending on which England player scores the winning goal in the World Cup final.

This pic (on the right... hopefully... if I haven't screwed up the formatting) proves - for those of you who may have had doubts - that we are having twins.

I guess it also proves that they're gonna be pretty close. They seem to revel in lying on top of each other. Which makes getting decent pictures pretty difficult.

Think T1 is on the left and T2 on the right. T1 so far is called Thomas. And no, there's no chance of it ever changing to Rooney. Or Defoe.

Due date so far is anywhere between late July and start of August. It's all a bit up in the air, particularly as twin births very rarely go full term. I'm reckoning start to middle of July myself. I guarantee now that it will coincide with England winning the World Cup for the first time in forty years.

Not much else to report in the visit. Pig had some glucose and protein in her urine, which isn't fantastic news. They'll keep an eye on things to make sure it's nothing to be concerned about and to treat it if it is.

This is T1 on his own. Not sure if he's got a headache, he's waving or if he's telling the sonographer to bugger off.

So that's it for now. Sure Pig will get round to updating her blog with some more of what's been going on in the Sid and the Pig household.

It's all been a bit hectic, so you'll have to excuse the sporadic posting. It's not you... it's me. My mind (and my heart) is on someone else. Or rather a couple of other people. And their lovely Mum too, obviously.

Oh - and if you have any better suggestions for boys' names then please post a comment.

Not staying...

Just gonna give a quick update on the world of us.

Things are progressing well, although I'm sure the pig might disagree given how cack she feels. We even got to go out to a pub. Friends of ours were embarking on a bit of a tour so we popped over to Hull to say hi-bye. You can check on their progress here.

In other news, it's been snowing. It's ace. Snow is fantastic. Just wish it was heavy enough to prevent us going to work, rather than make it take two hours to get there. The place looks stunning in the snow.

We've got an anatomy scan next week, so I'll be back with a proper post on Monday night if I'm not too lazy.

And the pig's sister should be moving in this weekend. She's flying over as we speak.

Two little boys had two little toys

Yes, yes I know I've not been around. Got a lot on my plate, ok?

It's been tough coming up with a post these last couple of weeks. My mind has been in a bit of a fug due to having way too many things going on in it. I got used to the idea of being a Dad. Then I got used to the idea of it being twins. Then we had the added stress of mono-amniotic twins. It was all a bit much really.

But my mind eventually calmed down, helped by some productive weekends around the house a bit of a refocus at work and a nice visit from the Grandparents to be.

So with a slightly more sorted outlook it was just time to wait for today's scan and then I could get back into this thing and reacquaint myself with you (albeit in many ways imaginary) lovely readers.

Today's scan was good.

The consultant was much friendlier as was the rather loud midwife who we saw a few weeks ago. They were chatty, even to the extent of faking remembering conversations they'd had with us previously. Then they commenced the assault on Pig's bladder (one thing that pregnant women never tell you is that ultrasound scans have to be done on a full bladder and if they're searching hard for something then they're putting quite a strain on it).

First revelation was that the little mites had developed to such an extent that you could make out their genitals. The fact that you could make out genitals kind of gives away the big reveal.

We're gonna have sons. Two little twin heart-throbs.

Then there was the next revelation. They spotted a membrane.

Yes, I know that finding out the sex of your unborn children should be the big news. But you have no idea of the relief that finding that faint line on the screen brought us. No longer do we have the fear of tangles and the horrible statistics of a mono-amniotic pregnancy to contend with. Just a nice regular twin pregnancy.

So all in all, a good day.

We've got more pictures to show you, but the stills never really convey the feeling of when you're in the ultrasound room watching the twitches and movements of those two little boys.

Oh, and my Dad's chuffed 'cos now he can take them to the football. Like any daughters of Pig would be fussy, prissy little girls that wouldn't have enjoyed that kind of thing.

Part 1 - The Wedding (Off to see the other Dad)

So we had our honeymoon and it was fantastic.

Then it was back to Johannesburg and goodbye to most of our party. BM stayed on and our SA friends who had accompanied us went off to enjoy the sun and countryside.

The next part of our holiday was to be spent in Kwazulu-Natal with Pig's biological father (I came to the conclusion through the holiday that "real" father was an unfair title, as her step-father is way more of a real father than the one who supplied her genes). This part of the holiday was a bit surreal.

We were to stay with Dad v.1, his partner and a couple of his friends in a guest house that they had arranged. So we drove the few hundred miles from JHB to Howick with the aim of getting more detailed directions once we'd arrived. We got there and gave him a ring. He informed us that they were at another friend's house. They were having some drinks and would be having a barbecue (well, obviously he didn't call it that being South African but I'm done with my colloquialisms for the moment). Could we pick up some drinks and some food?

No problem, we thought and bought the supplies. I phoned him back to get directions and he handed me over to a very confused guy who gave me vague but strangely successful directions to their place.

We rolled up and were greeted by a strange site. A middle aged (and rather gone to seed) woman in the skimpiest bikini you could imagine. A feral child of about three wandering naked and refusing to be controlled by anyone. Dad v.1 and his partner lounging in the sun and obviously a little worse for wear. A young couple (the parents of the feral one) and their baby. None of them quite sure what was going on. They'd been to see a white sangoma (I know that isn't the right spelling). They were all a little altered.

It was summed up by two things:

1) It took three hours before one of the party turned to the pig and asked if she and Dad v.1 were related, "cos you look alike".
2) Roughly an hour after this, the sangoma and her two apprentices turned up with a bottle of champagne. When we asked what the champagne was for we were informed it was the guy of the young couple's birthday. We'd been there four hours and no-one had thought it was worth telling us this.

It was all a bit... odd.

So that afternoon and evening passed and we followed the slightly inebriated couple back to the guest house we'd be staying in.

The next day we'd be visiting a sea-world type place (on Dad v.1's partner's prompting) in Durban.

We got up in the morning to find v.1 and his partner about to set off to collect the mad middle-aged woman from the weird people's guest house. He'd pick up his mother (Pig's grandmother) and see us at the sea world type place.

We got there and had a look around. Pig phoned v.1. He was running late so he said we should enjoy ourselves for a bit. It was a bit of a miserable day so we looked through some shops and sat on the beach in the drizzle. We phoned again. They were still running late. We got some lunch. We wandered around a bit more. V.1 finally phoned - he'd arrived. We accompanied them while they had lunch. Then we went to the aquarium. Then we went home. Ace!

Now one thing I should just explain to you is that Dad v.1 is a bit of a thinker. He used to be an architect and then scaled back his life to find himself. He's been writing a book for about ten years. His open mindedness has had a very positive influence on Pig and the way she approaches the world. But now, he's retreated into the world of theory so much that he doesn't seem overly connected to the real world. His life is so theoretical that other people's schedules don't matter to him. Other people's feelings often seem to pass him by. He adapts his perception to fit into his theoretical view of the world. He self edits to such an extent that it's almost as if he doesn't see the same world as you or I would.

That evening was spent Ten Pin Bowling. I don't mind telling you that v.1 was crap. Theory is all well and good, but it doesn't really help in games of skill. We slaughtered him. It gave me far more pleasure than it should.

The next day we went to the mall to do our Christmas shopping. Once that was out of the way we could concentrate on the main purpose of our being there - making our marriage legal.

You see, even though v.1 had performed marriage ceremonies before his forethought hadn't extended to how we would make it legal. We thought it only right therefore to get the legal side of things sorted out in such a way that the person who performed the ceremony could at least be there when we made it legal. We had a vain hope that he might even help us a bit.

No such luck.

On that morning, as we prepared to head off to the Magistrates Court, v.1 said his goodbyes and he and his partner headed off to the beautiful countryside near Lesotho. We would have to do this ourselves...

More tests

So we went for another antenatal and ultrasound today. We'd pushed for the tests for Downs and Edwards and what-not. Us being us, if there's a none-invasive test out there we'll go for it.

The results came back very good, we're at less risk of those things than other people with our backgounds. The chances are infinitesimally small.

The twins are doing well. They've grown and are closer to being the same time size now. But it's looking more and more certain that they're mono-amniotic. This is a bit of a worry.

For those who don't know (and baring in mind that this is from someone who's new to all this twin stuff), twins can either have separate placentas, share a placenta (mono-chorionic) or share both a placenta and amniotic sack (mono-chorionic and mono-amniotic). Ours are the third kind.

This means a couple of things. They're definitely identical. They're less likely (apparently) to suffer from twin transfusion problems. But they are in quite a high risk group due to sharing all their living space. What this means in practice is that there's the potential for complications due to the chords getting tangled.

We're trying not to let it phase us too much. There's nothing at all we can do about it at the moment. What it does mean is that they will have to be monitored very carefully once they are viable (in terms of delivery). It means that they are much more likely to be premature and that the chances of a natural birth are fairly slim.

So we're a bit stressed but trying to remain optimistic and to continue treating the pregnancy as the blessing that we still believe it is. The babies are healthy and active, so there's no reason to think that anything is wrong at the moment.

We'll keep you posted on further developments. I only wish we'd had the presence of mind to ask for some hard copies as everything was much clearer this time.

Part 2 - Back in the real world

Another one of our typical weekends. Moving furniture around. Eating junk. Watching cheesy TV.

The house is now thankfully free of builders (they haven't finished yet, just that they haven't got much left to do inside), so another room was free to be filled with furniture. Again, we've reassured ourselves that this will be a great house... one day.

Got a nice message from a friend of ours in the U.S. Her reaction to the twin news was just what we needed. Happy, but full of "Oh, My God!"s.


Anyway, back to the compulsive "Celebs do Ice Skating" thing that we're watching at the moment.

(Do you like the nerdy category thing I've put in now? Such amazing programming skills. You never lose 'em, y'know. Course in my day, it was all done in Notepad, mutter, mutter)

Part 1 - The Wedding (Safari)

So after the wedding it was time for the honeymoon. Being in Africa, this meant it was Safari time. Being us, this meant dragging seven of our friends along with us.

We drove from Johannesburg to a fantastic spot near Sabi Sands called Djuma and stayed in the Galago camp. We arrived at night and were stunned at how The Pig had excelled herself in organising this place for us.

It's a fantastic place for a group of friends to go to and experience the bush in all it's beauty. Clean, functional rooms. A big open space for a camp fire and to cook. An outside, covered dining area. All curved around a view of a grassy plain. We sat around and aclimatised ourselves to the sounds of the bush and the millions of insects. Then it was an early night so that we could be up for the morning bush drive.

What a drive. Our rangers got a call that some leopards had been spotted. Leopards are very difficult to see when you're holidaying in the bush. We drove to where they'd been seen and caught a glimpse of them through the shrubbery. It was incredible, but it was only the start. We drove on a bit further and saw another leopard in the trees, with a kill. It dragged it down and the rest of the family gathered around it. Our driver took us to within a couple of meters and we watched as mother, father and two juveniles took turns to crunch through the body. No words, or even photographs can get across how unbelievable it was.

The rest of the drive just continued in the same vein. We saw a cheetah, we saw a family of lions, we saw an elephant, we saw buffalo. We even saw a hippo as we stopped for a cigarette break.

It took us until the evening to see a Rhino, otherwise that would have been the entire big six in one morning.

The rest of our time at the camp was just as good. Everything we asked our rangers to track down they did. We saw herds of elephants, with babies playing in a waterhole. We saw more leopards (one - a cub on it's own, playing at stalking gecko's, probably the cutest thing I have seen in my life). We saw a pair of cheetahs, slinking their way through their territory. More lions. Our rangers could even spot cameleons in the trees at night.

There were so many highlights, that I keep thinking of more as I type. The elephant that almost came into the camp to drink from the pool. The trip to our ranger's village. The dung beetles.

Just an awesome experience.

...

Oh, and Zinnia - those comments were directed solely at the people who've said those things to us in person. Thanks for the links and please don't let my ranting put you off from commenting again.

Starting to sink in

The shock of two little miracles coming along is slowly starting to sink in. So before this blog turns into an endless series of posts about how our lives are about to change in a massive way, I'll try and make some headway on getting you updated on the wedding.

** Warning - contains actual pictures of myself and the pig (it's difficult to share your wedding pictures with the world without including ones with your face in) **

Part 1 - The Wedding (Reception)

So where were we? Ah, yes we got married.

The ceremony was lovely except for the frankly not brief enough Celine Dion musical interlude.

Following the ceremony there was the obligatory meet and great with everyone who had come along. This was accompanied by obligatory "compliments" on our music selection.

At least it cut through the emotion and returned things to what we had originally intended - fun.

What seemed like about three hours later - after photograph upon photograph - Pig and I surgically removed our lips from our teeth (who would have thought smiling for so long could become so uncomfortable?) and headed along for the reception. Now the fun could begin.

We ate. We drank. Finally it was time for the speeches.

My best man took the mic and nervously began. He was wonderful. Throughout the ceremony I had managed not to cry. But his speech was so complimentary to the Pig and I and so warm and unabashedly heartfelt that I couldn't help getting choked.

Then it was my turn. As is my way I just made it up as I went along. I think it went ok. It brought out some more tears in the Pig, so it can't have been too bad.

The Pig followed me and had her say in her usual style. You see - I'm the soppy one, she's the funny one. So guests were admonished for still wearing their ties in spite of our instructions. Female guests were told to remove their stockings. People were basically reminded that this was our wedding, so that meant no formality and everyone would enjoy themselves Goddamnit!

Then we could relax and enjoy ourselves as much as the guests were.

In a lot of ways, a South African wedding reception is very similar to a British one. Or should I say, very similar to Peter Kaye's description of a British one. All the classics were there: Jive Bunny, Greece Megamix. Plus a few new ones - including the rather bizarre Afrikaans tradition of the Sakkie (look it up). The only difference is that there's less self-consciousness and more wild abandon. Which isn't a bad thing at all.

I even managed to drink all day and indulge in shooters with our American friends who came over.

/ As an aside, one side effect of the ileostomy that I discovered while in SA is that drinking is a pretty pointless exercise. If you're lucky you get drunk for around fifteen minutes. Then you have about fourteen hours of being dehydrated. It makes for an appearance of having a manly tolerance for alcohol, but soon becomes very boring and you reach for a fruit juice.

So we mingled and we danced and we sat and we started to feel the excursions and emotions of the day catch up with us.

We headed off to our suite to spend our first night together as a married couple...

Which largely consisted of opening our cards and presents and then collapsing exhausted into the rather massive bed. After all, we had a big day ahead the next day as we'd be heading off for our Safari...

(See how I whetted your appetite there?)

Part 2 - The Present (How the hell are we gonna cope?)

So this twin business is starting to catch up with us. The endless platitudes and hollow comments are all well and good ("You don't do anything by halves, do you?" (just realised that was a comment Zinnia made, sorry darlin'), "What are the chances of that, eh?", "Well done (to me, like it was all thanks to me)!", "Do you have twins in the family", "That'll be a lot of work"), but you just get the feeling that no-one has grasped that this is a BIG FUCKING DEAL!.

Things are already tough for the pig. She's really knackered. Yesterday we had to go down to London for a meeting. Leaping out of bed at six, a looong train journey, a long interminable meeting where she had to maintain a cheery client face, another looong train journey and then a slump onto the sofa is not an ideal day for any pregnant woman, let alone one who has just found out she's carrying twins.

So we're still reeling. The only things that are helping me maintain my sanity are the thoughts of the two beautiful children we're going to have (if they take after their mother) and my absolute faith in the resources of my wife. If only she'd allow herself not to be super-pregnant woman every once in a while.

By the way (and continuing the "my wife is wonderful" theme) if any of you are considering berating me for referring to the pig as the pig, just take a look at the picture above and you'll realise that it's said with a massive amount of irony.

Oh, and before I go - hello to those of you in Australia (you know who you are).

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

So we went along for our scan.

Pig (I'm sick of calling her The Wife - seems so impersonal) clambered onto the table. The radiographer put the jelly on her belly and started searching around for a baby.

"So, I hear you're a bit worried it might be twins then?"
"Yes" We both replied.

Blurred images faded in and out of view as the ultrasound burrowed its way through Pig's tum.

"Well..." the radiographer said.

A baby came into view. There was something indistinct to it's right. It started to coalesce into something more recognisable. Yup... you've guessed it.

Another baby.

We didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So we decided to do both (me mainly laughing, pig mainly crying).

Another twenty minutes or so of poking around, with a second radiographer coming in to help and it was well and truly confirmed.

Twins.

As far as they can tell, identical twins.

We've spent the afternoon talking to relatives and otherwise being stunned. A baby was always going to be hard work. As happy as we are (and believe me, we are happy), we just can't imagine how much hard work twins are going to be.

I'll post something that makes a bit more sense next time.

Until then, here are some pictures - I hope you can make them out. They make a lot more sense when they're moving.

Crashing on...

So in the same spirit as the last entry, here we go...

Part I - The Wedding Bit

So we awoke in our hotel bedroom on the morning of our wedding. A quick dash to the mall to get some last minute essentials (primarily socks for the bride to wear with her surprise wedding footwear) and then the bride of the moment was off to get her hair cut and her makeup done for the day.

So that left me in charge for the first time in ages.

I gathered the British posse and we made our way to the venue (for reasons way too boring to go into we stayed in a different hotel for the couple of nights before the wedding and would be staying at the venue for the night of the wedding). We then plonked ourselves down and waited... and waited... and then went to the bar... and drank... and waited. The wedding was to commence at four, so there was a lot of waiting.

BM did a good job of checking my nerves and looking after me. I had a couple of things to arrange (this was the first chance to talk to the DJ), but largely I was surplus to requirements.

Then the time came. We toddled off to BM's room and got ready.

Then we went out to the setting for the wedding and we waited again.

And finally the time of the wedding arrived. My balls shrunk and my gut dropped into my toes as the BM and I took our places at the mini lapa for the ceremony.

The music started and I could sense behind me the bride approaching. I was routed to the spot as I waited for her to draw up alongside me. I turned and there she was, looking every bit as spectacular as I imagined she would be.

Her father took the microphone and started the ceremony. We both waited expectantly wondering what he was going to say.

To be honest, he started badly. He started some rambling analogy about defining ourselves in relation to other things. I saw momentary dread on the then w2b's face. Luckily he seemed to pick up on this and gave us the brief version. Then it was on with the rest of the ceremony.

We needn't have worried. Despite his strange views on life, the universe and everything. Despite his disconnectedness with the real world and tendency to live his life academically. Despite of all the aspects of his personality I would learn later in the holiday to dislike. Despite all of these things his words were perfect.

Then it was time for our bits. My salivary glands refused to work and I gasped my way through the words. W2b's eyes began to tear and she squeezed my hand for reassurance - guessing, correctly or otherwise that I was struggling (I don't to this day know whether I was nervous or overcome with emotion). She said her parts with a strong voice but with tears trickling down her face.

We fumbled with an overly complicated arrangement of rings, ribbons and roses and finally placed them on each other's fingers. More words and we kissed.

Then we made our way down to the "congregation" for w2b's father's surprise musical bit. He'd told us previously that there would be a part in the ceremony for music. He had a couple of suggestions for a song and we tried our best to track down the one that sounded least offensive (some Pavarotti and Bryan Adams thing). Little did we know he'd brought a track along himself.

We were told to stand in a circle and hold our hands. Then we were to close our eyes and listen to the music as all that were gathered wished their best wishes to the couple. So we stood and waited and the music started.

And there it was. Celine Dion. Singing "The Power of Love".

I snuck a look at my new bride. She snuck a look back at me. We shared a half offended, half amused smile. Then I started to silently giggle. My wife's eyes widened as she tried to tell me silently to stop. Then she started. Our shoulders began to shake. We looked around and others in the circle were looking around, amused.

And it just went on and on and on.

By the end, the only people not laughing - either at the music or the reactions were my wife's father and his partner.

I imagine he still thinks that the wife's shaking was due to being overcome with emotion.

Part II - The Present

I'll try and keep this brief as I think I've gone on a bit with the bit above.

The dogs have gone. We found a nice new family for them. Even though we know it's the best thing for them, it was still hard. There were tears and there was guilt.

The wife is feeling a bit rotten, counting down to the end of the first trimester.

The house isn't finished.

Still loving being married and can't believe my luck at the person I've found.

I hate homework

When I was a kid, even though I was a bit of a swat one thing I could never get the hang of was homework. Schoolwork came easily to me, but give me something to do in my own time, to my own timetable and with a seemingly far off deadline and I was screwed. I'd leave it and leave it, allowing the overall volume to increase and increase. This in turn fed on itself and made the prospect of getting round to doing any work progressively less appealing.

What I'm trying to say is I know I've got a lot to cover in this blog and the more I put it off, the more I end up having to do.

So I'm gonna try and pull my finger out. In my usual nerdy style, I reckon the best way to do this is to break each entry up into two parts and catch up gradually over the next few days that way.

Part I - The Wedding Bit

Ok, so fly back in time to the start of December. We packed as lightly as we could and welcomed our Animal Aunt to the house. After a brief run through of how the place worked we took ourselves off to bed and set the alarm for some god-awful hour when we'd get woken up to get our taxi to the airport.

The alarm inevitably went off (seemingly) the second I closed my eyes and we blearily got ourselves ready for the taxi to arrive - trying our hardest not to wake Aunty and (more importantly) the dogs. A barely awake journey later we were at Manchester Airport, then checked in and on our flight to Amsterdam. A slightly more awake but no more less confused our or two later we were checked through and onto our flight to South Africa. A mere twelve or so hours later we were in another hemisphere and on another continent.

We were greeted at the airport by The Wife's mother and step-father. It was evening and unseasonably cool so not too much of a shock from the UK. We arrived at The Wife's parents' house and were welcomed by the clan of brothers and sisters and (as I later found out was unavoidable) a beer for me.

The next day was spent chilling by the pool. More beer. A slight sizzle from our pale bodies as they became accustomed to sun once again. Tons of tasty meat on the Brie. Life was good. This was a December I could get used to.

The week was spent largely tidying up the last loose ends for the wedding. Getting suits for myself, my best man and The Wife's brother. Haircuts. Buying a few presents for the Wedding party. Picking up guests from the airport. Talking to The Wife's father about the ceremony - not much to be gleaned there, the ceremony would be kept as a surprise to both of us. I was largely a spare wheel in the whole thing and was left to look after kids by the pool (The Wife's parents seemed to have a house constantly teeming with kids) while the women did the important stuff.

So a week later, we finally left the family home and headed off to a hotel to spend the night before The Wedding. No fans of tradition, we spent the night together. This was our wedding and we'd do it our way...

Part II - The Present

So here we are now. Wales is cold. The house is a lot closer to completion but still not there. The Wife is knackered due to the impending arrival. We've also had to come to a bit of an unfortunate decision...

We're going to have to rehome the dogs.

We've tried to get them completely house trained and it's almost there. We've tried to make them less clingy and that's working less well. We've tried to make them occupy less of our time and that hasn't worked at all.

This would all be perfectly fine if it was just the two of us. But we've got someone way more important than the both of us to think about now. Unfortunately, as much as we love the two little buggers there's just no way we can envisage the next six months - pregnant wife, half-finished house, incredible amount of preparation to do - with them. Worse than that, the thought of looking after them and a baby just plain terrifies us.

So the next few weeks will be spent finding a good home for the boys. We love them dearly and it breaks our hearts, but at least this way we can find a good home and provide a life for them that they deserve.

So ho-hum, we'll just have to see how it all pans out.

A Happy New Year from my wife and I

So we did it. We travelled to SA, got married, saw animals and returned as mister and missus to good old chilly blighty.

I'll give much more information soon. But for the moment I'll just let you know that we're both doing well - and that includes our embryonic addition.

Will write more once I've shaken this cold that the wife and I have managed to pick up. Fingers crossed it's not malaria. Anyone know the symptoms?

Trying was easy

It's easy to sound smug and gloating when the conception happened so quickly and easily. But I never thought that the Tryingtm would be so much easier than the having. I thought that it would be a time of stress, inevitable disappointment and waiting. I imagined that once we'd got the positive result we would have a few weeks of anticipation and then months of foot-rubs and craving runs (for w2b, I know it would be a bit much for me to ask her to massage my feet and to track down my favourite foods). Then of course, the complete life-upside down, no sleep, emotional wreck new life to look after bit.

But this limbo time that we're going through at the moment has stresses that I just wasn't prepared for. W2b - so often the comfortably and predictably insane one - is waaaaay more volatile than she is normally (her being volatile is normally an absolute rarity). The lack of a concrete clarification from anyone remotely medical[1] has left us feeling not quite pregnant. We're just stuck in a kind of "almost pregnant waiting room".

W2b is knackered, both from the physical and the emotional changes going on with her. She's also struggling really hard to take it all in her stride. My admiration for her just grows and grows. I just hope I can do my bit.

I've done a little searching for info, but it's all pretty lacking from a dad-to-be perspective. This guy's blog provided some insight into things, but unfortunately he blogs less than I do. I have however ordered the following books from Amazon:

• So You're Going to Be a Dad
• She's Having a Baby
• She's Had a Baby: And I'm Having a Meltdown

You've got to love the title of the last one. Reviews will follow.

In the meantime I'll keep looking for advice. I'll keep doing what I'm doing: being supportive, taking the dogs out for their endless toilet trips, maybe painting another room tomorrow, offering myself up as a sounding board/punch bag wherever I can, not pestering for sex ;). Keeping my fingers crossed that this will all stabilise and we can look forward to our potential new family. Before you say anything, no - I don't mean just so I can get some nookie.

On the plus side, the countdown to SA can begin in earnest. We fly out on the 2nd December. Wedding is on the 10th. Back home on Boxing Day. No work till 3rd January. Yay! Just a couple more days work to get through.

If we could just get the medical side of things and the house side of things sorted out, we could breathe easily.

[1] We finally got to see someone today but she was useless. Not only was she very new to the practice nurse position, but she had very little power or inclination to get anything sorted. She couldn't get w2b booked in to see anyone to confirm the pregnancy. She couldn't prescribe anything, or even advise on what kind of anti-malarials were suitable during pregnancy. All in all a complete wasted journey. In the end w2b had to use her legendary tenacity to sort out an appointment herself. There are some downsides to living this side of the border.

As positive as you can be...

So the trying was fun while it lasted. My soldiers have performed their duty admirably and we were rewarded last week with a dim +. The + has grown stronger and stronger these past days.

Admittedly it's very early days but we're really happy. If a little stressed and nervous.

W2b has consulted all the websites and knows (at least in theory) what the next few months hold for us. This is all provided it all goes to plan of course. Hold thumbs as those foreigners say.

Only thing is - where does that leave me?

I'm trying to do my best in my usual ham fisted way. I'm working hard to navigate the slightly heightened emotion, whether these be hormone induced or just through the nervous, apprehensive excitement that we're going through at the moment. I'm trying wherever possible to make her life as easy and stress free as possible.

But it all seems a bit... inadequate.

Lets face it. My biological job was done over the course of a few minutes a couple of weeks ago. So it's no wonder I (no doubt like a lot of other dads-to-be out there) feel like a bit of a fifth wheel. I want to be useful, but what can I do?

Guess I'll just have to resolve to not make w2b's part in this any harder than it has to be. Oh, and to do what she's done already and scour the internet for as much information as I can find.

This tagging lark...

I've been tagged, apparently. Course it was by w2b so I'm not sure that qualifies as any kind of Blog notoriety.

Ten Years Ago:
I was still at University, studying (yawn) Software Engineering. Most of the time seemed to consist of *ahem* drinking myself into a stupor and trying to work out valid reasons for not going to lectures.

Five Years Ago:
If I've calculated it right I think I'd just bought my first house (not in a big shot property developer way, but in a "this is the first house that I've got a mortgage for and bought"). I think I was also starting to realise that something may be a bit wrong with my tummy.

One Year Ago:
We'd just got our two nightmare pups and were trying to transform the house from the bachelor pad/undecorated hovel that it had been for the four years that I'd lived there on my own. People suspected our relationship wouldn't last, but we were gradually turning them round...

5 Yummy Things
1) Spicy Pizza
2) Tea
3) J2O (Orange and Passion fruit, the nectar of the Gods - if this had been around thirty years ago George Best wouldn't be in intensive care right now)
4) Smoked Salmon and Cream Cheese Bagel
5) Roast Lamb, Yorkshire Pudding and Gravy

5 Songs I know by heart
1) Everybody Hurts - REM (actually, most of the REM back catalogue)
2) Basketcase - Green Day
3) Jesus Doesn't Want Me For A Sunbeam - Nirvana
4) Friday, I'm in Love - The Cure
5) A Day In The Life - The Beatles

(w2b forgot/neglected to mention that she knows all the words to Ice, Ice, Baby by Vanilla Ice)

5 Things I would do if I had a lot of money
1) Tell everyone at work what I really think of them.
2) Make life really comfortable for my friends and family.
3) Buy a house somewhere hot.
4) Buy a house somewhere cold and dramatic.
5) Start a completely pointless business.

5 Things I would never wear
1) Lycra.
2) Speedos.
3) White jeans.
4) Gold Jewellery.
5) Burberry.

5 Favourite TV Shows
1) The West Wing.
2) ER.
3) CSI.
4) Lost.
5) Star Trek (any of 'em).

5 Things I enjoy doing
1) Staying in bed longer than I should (ideally with w2b).
2) Talking/singing/babbling with w2b.
3) XBox.
4) "Posing" Will (just have to explain here that Will is our incredibly malleable, gay cat. He loves to lay on your knee and have is belly scratched. He also puts up with any amount of manipulation - no matter how stupid the position you put him in).
5) Practicing for what we have just (fingers crossed) accomplished - more in a bit.

I'd love to have Zinnia complete this but understand that it may interrupt the flow of the narrative a little.

Oh, and those of you who haven't been reading w2b's blog won't know our big news. We got our first "+" on Thursday last week. So we're hopeful that if all goes according to plan we may have more than just a wedding to announce next month.

Chuffed? You bet we are.

Just one more question...

This put to w2b by her friend BGA:

• Q. If I was gay, would my bum still be useful? ("I" as in MyMateSid, not BGA - there's no "if" there)
• A. I guess so. It would certainly be cleaner than the usual ones you come across. It's a little dented, but otherwise intact. Not sure whether it might fill up quicker than most though. Too much detail?

(Oh my God. Just realised I used the phrase "come across" in reference to my bottom. Ah, well. Too late now)

Your questions answered

Over the last couple of days, I've been answering more than my usual share of questions about my ileostomy. These have been from various sources (National Statistics, my osteopath and a friend I've met via w2b). So I guess it's worth sharing (some of these I've come up with myself as they are the kind of questions I might have asked myself)...

• Q. Does the ileostomy hamper your work in any way?
• A. Not in the slightest. It may affect the kind of work I could do (Nothing that requires me to dip in and out of water all day, to lie prone on my belly or rough physical contact - professional mud wrestler would be out then), but doesn't affect my current job.

• Q. Do you require any long term medication?
• A. The only medication I take on any kind of regular basis is Zoton which is used purely to keep my acid levels down.

• Q. Where is the stoma?
• A. It's lower than my navel (about an inch lower) and to the right by just over an inch.

• Q. What does it look like?
• A. Its around 25mm in diameter and just over an inch in length (do you like the seamless switch between metric and imperial - didn't know I was bi-lingual did you?). It's about the same colour as the inside of your mouth. It's shiny. The opening is quite small but can stretch - varying between about 5mm and well over 10mm.

• Q. How is the bag stuck on?
• A. It's stuck to my belly with a stronger version of the adhesive they use on plasters. Luckily I get supplied with a spray that allows you to remove the bag without too much pain - unless I forget to shave.

• Q. How often do you have to change the bag?
• A. Roughly every three days. I can tell when I'm pushing it as it starts to get itchy. This is due to the waste starting to eat away at the glue and getting underneath.

• Q. Does everything go into it (meaning farts)?
• A. Yes. Wind is actually the biggest reason for having to empty it. Especially at night. But w2b isn't complaining. Rather that than have me farting in bed. Best not to have an en-suite bathroom though.

• Q. How often do you have to empty it?
• A. Depends. I can't go more than about six hours usually. It all depends on when I eat, what I eat, what I've drank, how hydrated I am... all sorts really.

• Q. It must make public toilets a more pleasant experience, not having to sit down?
• A. Yes and no. I don't have to sit, granted. I do however have to kneel down, which can be unpleasant - light trousers can be a no-no. I'm also a bit closer to the business end of things.

• Q. Is the other plumbing alright?
• A. Yep. No problems there. There can be occasions of impotence with some people, but I've been thankfully spared. I do sometimes get unbearable urges to repeatedly go for a wee, but I think this might be a bit more to do with dehydration. Plus, I still need to build up the muscles around there a bit as they were pretty massacred by the surgery.

Phew! I think that will do for now. If anyone has any further questions please post them as comments. I know I would have loads - whether I was facing the surgery myself or if I had just been introduced to someone who'd had it.

Brief round-up of other stories in our area:

• W2b is back, but doesn't seem to be with child at the moment. So yay and boo.
• The book on Humanist Weddings arrived in the post and it's ace. I'm more and more sure that I could legitimately class myself as a Humanist. Thankyou Zinnia, it's exactly what we were looking for.
• We got the phone lines fixed and have now had Sky installed. Woo-hoo!

Bye for now - remember, post the comments. You know how much I love talking about myself.

I'm crap without her

So w2b has gone off to Manchester for a few days (she's learning how to project manage - don't know if it's for work or so she can tell our builder how to get his shit together) leaving me to the inept bachelor life style I was used to before she came along.

So you know what I've realised...?

Without her - I'm useless.

Problem no. 1: Food

Don't get me wrong, I can cook. Plus, now that Sid's come along I like to eat. But without w2b's guidance I forget to eat. Then, when I remember (or am prompted) I can't decide on what to eat. Luckily, before she left w2b popped along to Nando's and got some extra chicken. I can at least have toasted chicken and mayo sarnies. Which leads me to Problem no. 2...

Problem no. 2: I can't find anything

So I went into the kitchen to revel in my culinary expertise and couldn't find the sandwich toaster ("snackwich" machine in SA parlance). Bear in mind that we have exactly 10 cupboards in our compact kitchen. Luckily w2b phoned just as I was beginning my third circuit and let me in on the secret of where she had "hidden" it. Yeah, yeah it was in one of the cupboards (one day I will do an entire entry on what has now been termed "man-looking" in our household).

NB This is also the reason why I haven't posted any pictures, even though there's been some nice progress

Problem no. 3: I second guess the things I say

When w2b and I are together we are disturbingly frank with each other. We speak our minds and never have to worry about putting things across properly - it's kind of second nature. It's also one of the reasons why we never argue (I know, sickening isn't it?). But when we're apart and chatting either on the phone or over MSN I'm always worried about how things come across. I tread a fine line between expressing how much I'd like to be with her and sounding like an obsessive stalker who doesn't want her out of my sight. It makes me wonder how we ever got together when we were going through the Long Distance Relationshiptm stage.


I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss her. Horribly. And can't wait for her to be back.

Food that doesn't digest #1

One of the interesting side effects of having an ileostomy is that you learn pretty quickly which foods do and which foods don't digest. I'm currently experiencing the surreal joy of one of the latter.

Last night I decided (read: was told by w2b) to show my culinary expertise by cooking a stir fry. So I proceeded in Ken Hom fashion to put pre-chopped (i.e. chopped before they arrived in the supermarket) food into a big pan in exactly the correct order followed by covering them in shop-bought black bean sauce. Gordon Ramsey would be proud.

Unfortunately, one of the ingredients was mushrooms. So I am now spending my Sunday morning wishing I'd chewed more, like my mother told me I should. Thanks to the bag I am at least spared the sight of mushrooms emerging like a new born out of Sid's mouth. I am however greeted by the experience of having my bag fill up at an alarming rate and then watching as totally undigested food is pored into the toilet bowl, complete with a dark brown stir-fry sauce. If the noodles and beansprouts hadn't digested I think I'd have arrived at a disturbing new theory on how Pot Noodles are produced.

On an educational level (for those reading this blog in the vain hope that it will give you some tips on living with an ileostomy) mushrooms aren't particularly bad. They seem flexible enough to pass through the stoma without causing a blockage. The food you really need to look out for is sweetcorn. This is the one food almost guaranteed to cause a blockage.

If you learn only one thing from this Blog it is this:

Sweetcorn - Just Say No!

(I promise a less distasteful entry next time - just wanted to share this time)

You lot are weird

W2b recently did a post about the strange routes that have led people to her site. In this spirit, I thought I'd show you some of the weirdness that has led to the torrent (well trickle) of traffic to my site:

• lets bitch (from New Jersey)
• she likes it big (from Texas)
• get her pregnant (from Colorado)
• enema (from Washington)
• bloody women (from California)
• sid going (from Auckland)
• she's just a devil woman (from California)
• bloody women (from Ontario this time)
• overcome fear of colonoscopy sedation (from Virginia, not so much weird as just very, very specific)
• decorate my aim profile (from Massachusetts, how did this lead to my blog?)
• how to be nice to a bitch (from Oklahoma)

All I can say is that the quality of search engines seems to have gone down hill a lot. Oh, and that I had no idea Cliff Richard's fan base extended to California.

Back's a lot better, by the way.

Dangerous profession

Coal miners get dodgy lungs. Carpet fitters get dodgy knees. Brick layers get arthritic fingers (according to our builder anyway).

We geeks get bad backs.

After the weekend's exersion (painting, remember) and the aches and pains yesterday I woke up this morning with much soreness. The whole top of my back, along the shoulders was stiff as a board. So I went into work but it just kept getting worse. My back felt like it was seizing up with tight muscles all down.

So here I am, lying in bed.

Has given me a chance to catch up on "Extras". All the disruption around moving house meant that we missed it first time round. So we popped out and bought it on Sunday.

On to the third episode now and while it's not "The Office", it is good. Glad I'm watching it on my own though. W2b finds Ricky Gervais' stuff excrutiating. She likes it and thinks it's funny, but insists on doing other stuff while it's on. Think it's so she can hide her face whenever it gets too painful.

So anyway, back to the deev. Will try and find a position to lie in that means that my back will sort itself out.

Thanks for the comment Zinnia. You do realise you've opened a whole can of stalking related worms now?

Military Maneuvers

So as anyone who's been reading w2b's blog will know, we're officially trying (and no, that isn't the reason that I've not posted for almost a week).

"Trying" - it's such a cheesy term, but then again this whole baby making thing is a bit of an odd thing to embark on.

Setting aside the fact that my beloved has planned this thing with military precision (requiring us to embark on what we've come to refer to as "binge sex"), it does seem to have turned our sex life upside down. No, I don't mean that we're experimenting with new positions requiring pulleys and hoists. It's just that after all this time of being careful, taking precautions and just having sex for the fun of it we're now doing it for the reason that the non-existent deity designed it for.

So my soldiers now have a mission. They've completed their basic training and now they're finally seeing some action. Confidence is high, but I can't help worrying about the little fellers. They've had plenty of war games to get their tactics right. But they're still untested in the field.

The hopes of a nation are with you.

In other news, we still haven't come up with our vows yet. Thankyou though to Zinnia for your kind offer of help and advice. I may well take you up on the book suggestion. But if that fails I may also be knocking on your door (figuratively speaking) and asking for help.

Oh, and Zin... I've finally caught up with your Blog and can get my head round the style - and it's a very enjoyable read too. I get the feeling that you're in the process of changing it though. Cheeky monkey! Don't you realise how simple my tiny little man-brain is?

In the next exciting episode - pictures of our dining room. Lots of painting over the weekend. Can barely move shoulders. Purely from the painting, you must understand - not for any other reasons ;)

(Note to self, must get cushioned straps for hoist)

Do you vow to make it your aim to take this woman in secular matrimony into the foreseeable future?

We've been talking wedding vows today. It's so difficult for people like us who are (a) atheists (or at least a-religious) and (b) keen to make a public commitment to each other that matches our realistic views.

So all of the "God willings", "holy matrimonies" and "in the eyes of God" are out (come to think of it, I don't think anyone would put God willing in their vows - kind of non-committal really). Also out are "for all eternity" and "till death do us part". Don't get me wrong, w2b are heavily committed to each other (at least I hope we are... quick get a refund on the rings). But - and I'm struggling to put this into the right words without devaluing our love and commitment for each other - we're also keen not to make the same hollow promises that everyone else does.

We want to show that where we are at the moment and where we've been for as long as we've been properly together is a position where we can't imagine not being together. But we're not arrogant or deluded enough to think that we know precisely what the future holds. There - you see how negative that sounds? Do you see why we're struggling to find the right vows?

We don't want this to turn in to some kind of legal text, e.g.

I <Insert Name> (from here on in referred to as "The Groom") undertake to carry out duties and tasks as laid out in section 8a for <Insert Name> (from here on in referred to as "The Bride").
The Groom also undertakes to have feelings for The Bride as laid out in section 8b. This shall be carried out in perpetuity unless terminated in accordance with clauses 10a to 10e (inclusive).

We want this to be a celebration of the love we have for each other and of the commitment we are making towards each other. So it needs to be quite short, joyful and overwhelmingly optimistic about the future. But it can't be hollow, overly sentimental or sugary-sweet.

The closest I've found so far is this:

"(Name), I promise to love you, to be your best friend, to respect and support you, to be patient with you, to work together with you to achieve our goals, to accept you unconditionally, and to share life with you throughout the years."

It's good, but I'm not sure it's quite there. If only we knew someone who was used to carrying out non-religious ceremonies... ;)